Thank you for being my friend
Thank you for making me laugh all the time
Thank you for making me feel pretty regardless of how I actually look
Thank you for making me feel safe
Thank you for going on adventures with me
Thank you for helping me grow
Thank you for laughing at my craziness
Thank you for playing guitar to me
Thank you for being so generous and kind
Thank you for hanging out with my parents
Thank you for telling me when I look nice
Thank you for playing with my hair
Thank you for telling me to always be myself
Thank you for always being yourself
Thank you for the amazing sex
Thank you for hugging me when I cry
Thank you for trusting me
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for being mine
There are certain things that should just never be left unsaid; I like you, I love you, I want to call you my girlfriend, your breath smells bad, you’ve got cum on your face. Not everything has to be expressed like a leaf falling from a tree in a Thomas Hardy classic, but it’s useful to get these pieces of information out into the physical world, they are more useful there than as musings in your head.
Last night’s conversation stares still
The harsh light of the grey morning surprises me
I sit in silence
with tears sat impatient behind my eyes
I could have had you
It was there all along
But you didn’t say it and I didn’t’ know
I wanted protecting so my feelings never showed
How didn’t you hear them, screaming out my chest
Why didn’t you move me, claim me, make me see
You said I had the same option but I thought it’d never be
sadness and emotions swallow me
All the air feels stagnant, im breathless and I’m stressed
It was mearly two days ago I wrote that I was vexed
And now you mean to tell me
Your feelings never moved, but that all MY transgressions
Meant you made no move
He was running late. There was a Linda McCartney pie in my fridge that I couldn’t get off my mind.He’s in meetings, London, they were meant to be done by 6. It’s 8pm and I explain that it’s getting late, probably best to cancel. I put my pie in the oven.
It’s a good pie. I finish and think how well it went with the red wine, the wine I was meant to share with James and his pretty smile. I drink some more wine and put on Peaky Blinders. He’s home. The wine is in my head now… I don’t look too bloated.. it won’t take too long to get my make up on and I have already bloody shaved so it seems a shame to waste that. I tell him to come over. 9.15pm he arrives, he comes in. He’s not as handsome or tanned as I remember. His top finishes a little to high on his stomach and he sits very close to me.
We talk. I’m a bit of a pain but he takes it, I argue and poke fun, clawing back some of my comfort zone. We laugh and listen to music, I let him have his on since I’ve been so mean. 12am he says he better go. I tell him I’m disappointed, he hasn’t tried anything, he says he just came to hang out and then he leans in to kiss me.
It’s a good kiss, a nice kiss but a meaningless kiss followed by meaningless forplay and meaningless sex. I had a fantastic orgasm that he would have never got near to giving me and we lay naked for a while until I tell him he should go.
There’s a daddy long legs on the stairs. My hair looks slightly flatter than I would like, I feel slightly more bloated than I would choose. I can’t tell if I’m sick or if it’s just sadness creeping out of me from the inside. What have I done?
I sent her away. The one who wanted to do anything for me, the one who wanted to be everything for me. But she couldn’t. I wanted more. I needed more. I told them all that I deserved so much more. What have I done?
I ache and my head is heavy. I feel tired and sluggish, I can hardly lift my head and I want to cry. But I’ve told everyone I’m fine, I’ve told them all I deserve so much more. I miss her now, I saw her yesterday and I miss her. I ran away, I couldn’t stand it, I couldn’t look at her, it hurt. She hurt herself because I broke her heart. I broke my heart because I want so much more. What have I done?
I refuse to receive tepid, uneasy affections
How can you love when you are unsure
Where is the passion that we are all promised
I can brave
I can be broken
I will have more
Find something beautiful in it, find you. Breath in, breath out. Feel it fill you up, feel the air rush in, feel your chest rise and eventually fall. Feel the weight of your body, your hands, your arms, your legs. Feel the strength of your back holding you up, holding you steady, feel your forehead relax and your jaw become loose and breath. Breath into the knot in your chest, the swarms of butterflies in your anxious stomach, feel it fill you, feel your chest rise and fall, feel your body calm. Breath in, down to your feet, breath out , all the way out of your head, breath long and breath deep, you can do this. Feel the back of your neck, your shoulders sliding away from your body, sit straight or stand tall, feel your chest open and breath. Scan down your body, to your waist, stomach and lower back, let your mind linger on every inch of skin, feel your mind prickle your skin. Feel it in your legs, your knees and calves, your amazing ankles that hold you up, help you run, jump and drive. Feel your feet, each of your toes, spread them across the earth and breath.