Love

Thank you for being my friend

Thank you for making me laugh all the time

Thank you for making me feel pretty regardless of how I actually look

Thank you for making me feel safe

Thank you for going on adventures with me

Thank you for helping me grow

Thank you for laughing at my craziness

Thank you for playing guitar to me

Thank you for being so generous and kind

Thank you for hanging out with my parents

Thank you for telling me when I look nice

Thank you for playing with my hair

Thank you for telling me to always be myself

Thank you for always being yourself

Thank you for the amazing sex

Thank you for hugging me when I cry

Thank you for trusting me

Thank you for loving me

Thank you for being mine

My Love

It makes a lot of sense now, it never did before

The songs, the art and poems, the happy endings

It’s not work, it’s just lovely, it’s not heart wrenching, my heart only bursts

Because you look at me the way you do, or you do something so sweet as if it’s nothing

Who else has such kindness in their nature?

You are so lovely, it’s overwhelming

My mother always told me I was looking for Love, I guess I finally found it

Let it be a butterfly

I used to pray, I wasn’t sure who I was praying to, but I always made a note that I was thankful, so grateful for my family’s health, I knew I was lucky, I knew it was precious and important.  Now I’m grateful when she has good days, when she doesn’t get worse, but I miss that pure feeling of relief that my family was well, that that heart wrenching tragedy was not mine, I think I knew it would come at some point; and it did.  I miss hanging out with my mum, I miss calling her whenever I wanted, I miss being excited and over the top, I miss being silly and crazy with her, I miss calling her to moan because I lost my keys or my temper.  I miss falling back and having her catch me, I know she still would but I’d crush her, it’s my turn to be the strong one now.  I miss popping over for dinner, I miss being selfish and not even realising.  I miss seeing her whenever I want and I miss calling her everyday.  Sometimes I feel guilty that I’m fine, that I’m carrying on, that the rest of my life is making me happier than ever, other times there is a sickening pit in my stomach and it creeps up behind my eyes making them prickle with tears, my breaths get deeper and I feel the sadness in my bones.  I worry this is forever, when I wallow I worry that I’m a selfish fool for worrying when in time she will get better. I feel guilty I’m not there for my dad, but what it means to be there for my dad makes me tense up and I can’t stand it.  I want her better, I want her better for me so I can feel like her child again, for my dad so he can feel whole before he breaks, for my sister who hasn’t had the chance to learn how lucky we are to have her and for my mum and her kind and firey soul before it becomes crushed by this cocoon.

Depression

Sad, but numb and sad, not restless and sad. I was sad about Abby and Mum and Grandpa and Rachel and Trump and helpless animals and children with no one to love them.  I was sad about everything and nothing at all. Today I feel something like a sadness hangover, with tears just behind my eyes and my stomach feels funny like I forgot something and I can’t put my finger on what it is.

Hurt

I could cry out loud for the way you hold her hostage

The days wasted, the months of haze and pain

This is life now, how was it ever so different

Time flies by but we are unable to move

Your days are numbered , how unfair that they are taken from you

So how do I stand it, just observe and carry on

I can’t help but worry that one day you’ll be gone

I’m scared you’ll be so sad that you are in this trap

Just because of that  one walk, one bite, a silent attack

And this is how we live now, with furrowed forheads as we go about our days

Because nothing can be done, the doctors out of options, my grandma sits and prays

But we are at the mercy, of your body and the universe

I like the way my tears taste, I hate the way you hurt