I’m so fucking stressed. My flight is at 11am tomorrow morning, I just need to get on that flight… which was nearly not going to happen with me only organising my visa yesterday and them coming back saying they will review in 72 hours. So that comes through, crisis averted, then this morning I remember the note saying I need a credit card to rent the car even if I paid on debit, BUT I DON’T HAVE A DAMN CREDIT CARD. So after spending half the morning trying to organise some kind of dodgy credit card and running to the bank when i’m meant to be sending important comms to chief pharmacists, I find out that my passport will be ‘just grand’, from the super Irish guy that picked up the phone in Charlotte, Douglas; a series of unexpected events… Also, Starbucks do amazing vegetarian food now, so happy about my lunch. OH and I started my period… even though I’m mid-cycle on the pill and shouldn’t be having a period IT’S NASTY, MAN. I don’t need this in my life. I did get a super cool pink t-shirt that says fem.n.st on it that I can wear without a bra though, so it’s not all bad. Get me to the US.
Thank you for being my friend
Thank you for making me laugh all the time
Thank you for making me feel pretty regardless of how I actually look
Thank you for making me feel safe
Thank you for going on adventures with me
Thank you for helping me grow
Thank you for laughing at my craziness
Thank you for playing guitar to me
Thank you for being so generous and kind
Thank you for hanging out with my parents
Thank you for telling me when I look nice
Thank you for playing with my hair
Thank you for telling me to always be myself
Thank you for always being yourself
Thank you for the amazing sex
Thank you for hugging me when I cry
Thank you for trusting me
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for being mine
It makes a lot of sense now, it never did before
The songs, the art and poems, the happy endings
It’s not work, it’s just lovely, it’s not heart wrenching, my heart only bursts
Because you look at me the way you do, or you do something so sweet as if it’s nothing
Who else has such kindness in their nature?
You are so lovely, it’s overwhelming
My mother always told me I was looking for Love, I guess I finally found it
I used to pray, I wasn’t sure who I was praying to, but I always made a note that I was thankful, so grateful for my family’s health, I knew I was lucky, I knew it was precious and important. Now I’m grateful when she has good days, when she doesn’t get worse, but I miss that pure feeling of relief that my family was well, that that heart wrenching tragedy was not mine, I think I knew it would come at some point; and it did. I miss hanging out with my mum, I miss calling her whenever I wanted, I miss being excited and over the top, I miss being silly and crazy with her, I miss calling her to moan because I lost my keys or my temper. I miss falling back and having her catch me, I know she still would but I’d crush her, it’s my turn to be the strong one now. I miss popping over for dinner, I miss being selfish and not even realising. I miss seeing her whenever I want and I miss calling her everyday. Sometimes I feel guilty that I’m fine, that I’m carrying on, that the rest of my life is making me happier than ever, other times there is a sickening pit in my stomach and it creeps up behind my eyes making them prickle with tears, my breaths get deeper and I feel the sadness in my bones. I worry this is forever, when I wallow I worry that I’m a selfish fool for worrying when in time she will get better. I feel guilty I’m not there for my dad, but what it means to be there for my dad makes me tense up and I can’t stand it. I want her better, I want her better for me so I can feel like her child again, for my dad so he can feel whole before he breaks, for my sister who hasn’t had the chance to learn how lucky we are to have her and for my mum and her kind and firey soul before it becomes crushed by this cocoon.
Sad, but numb and sad, not restless and sad. I was sad about Abby and Mum and Grandpa and Rachel and Trump and helpless animals and children with no one to love them. I was sad about everything and nothing at all. Today I feel something like a sadness hangover, with tears just behind my eyes and my stomach feels funny like I forgot something and I can’t put my finger on what it is.
I’ve been trying to write, and I’ve been getting frustrated. I’m happy, I have nothing to write about. I need to write lyrics for a song, I hate everything that comes out of my head, I never realised how proud I am of my misery. I re-read every sad thing from every horrendous and painful moment I have documented, nothing. Everything I put on paper sounds generic and dull, who knew being blissfully content was so unproductive.