I have loved her in a way I didn’t know it was possible to love. I wanted to follow her to the ends of the earth, to kiss every inch of her skin and memorise every curve of her body and hair. I wanted to love her until she loved herself, I willed her to see herself through my eyes. I feel like I know her better than she knows herself, I see her in vivid technicolour, her every action and reaction a reflection of her beautiful soul. But she cannot love herself, she cannot fully love me for she cannot accept the love that she won’t grant herself. I watch her leave and she slowly tears away a piece of something inside me, something that was always in me, my final gift to her.
Find something beautiful in it, find you. Breath in, breath out. Feel it fill you up, feel the air rush in, feel your chest rise and eventually fall. Feel the weight of your body, your hands, your arms, your legs. Feel the strength of your back holding you up, holding you steady, feel your forehead relax and your jaw become loose and breath. Breath into the knot in your chest, the swarms of butterflies in your anxious stomach, feel it fill you, feel your chest rise and fall, feel your body calm. Breath in, down to your feet, breath out , all the way out of your head, breath long and breath deep, you can do this. Feel the back of your neck, your shoulders sliding away from your body, sit straight or stand tall, feel your chest open and breath. Scan down your body, to your waist, stomach and lower back, let your mind linger on every inch of skin, feel your mind prickle your skin. Feel it in your legs, your knees and calves, your amazing ankles that hold you up, help you run, jump and drive. Feel your feet, each of your toes, spread them across the earth and breath.
When wronged my first instinct is to take control, to grab on tight and be in charge; none of this would have happened if I had just been in control. But we can’t control people, their actions are theirs alone. So I’m choosing to let go, to let it be. I’m viewing all the crap for what it is, someone else’s life choices. I’ll let it rise in my mind and I’m not going to distract myself from the pain. In seeing the truth in all its painful glory, I will learn more about me and I will grow.